Secret Pain
by jeez12
Summary: Alanna deals with a painful occurrence


Jon looked around the table at his council members. Myles was just walking in, going to the empty chair next to George, who had joined them for this meeting due to some important news that had arrived from Scanra. Alanna sat quietly next to her husband, staring at the hands clenched in her lap. Something was defiantly wrong. Jon new his old friend well enough to see that.

He shuffled the papers in front of him. He was still annoyed with Alanna for not showing up at yesterday's meeting and not even bothering to give an excuse. She didn't even open the door for the page he had sent to get her nor did she send an apology later that day. He became increasingly annoyed now that he was thinking about it.

"Where were you yesterday, Lady Knight?" he asked sharply, surprising the other council members, whose eyes turned to the knight who lifted her face to the king.

"I'm sorry. I was sick," she replied after a moment.

Jon glared at her. "Too sick to even send a note saying you couldn't come?"

Alanna looked away, clearly uncomfortable. It was George who stepped in, giving her hand a squeeze and turning to Jon. "Jon, if she says she was sick, then she was sick. Why don't we just get down to business." His wife smiled at him gratefully although George still eyed her quizzically. She hadn't seemed ill this morning when he returned from a weeklong trip to Port Caynn to meet some agents. And she hadn't told him that she had been sick either. But he would support her nonetheless if Jon decided to dig deeper. Luckily, Jon took his advice and he didn't have to lie to the King.

Alanna, too, thought she was lucky. Not because George supported her, she knew he would, but because Duke Baird did not question her either. He could quite easily have called her bluff. The truth was that she hadn't been sick but something else had gone horribly wrong. Just remembering caused tears to spring to her eyes and she stared at her hands, hoping no one else would notice her weakness.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the meeting ended, Alanna not having said a word the whole time. Raoul and Gary shot her worried looks as they left. Alanna tried to reassure them with a smile but she couldn't muster one up. Duke Baird came to her side of the table and bent down, pretending to read one of the files in front of her.

"It wasn't your fault, Alanna," he whispered in her ear. "These things happen for no reason sometime. If you are still in pain, come see me later and I can give you some special tea to ease it." He gave her shoulder a squeeze and looked at her sympathetically before continuing out the door. At last, she and George where the only ones left.

Alanna stood to escape the room, but George stood as well, blocking her exit. He gently lifted her and placed her on the table, placing his hands on either side of her and leaning forward slightly so their eyes were on the same level.

"The truth now, lass. What is going on?" he demanded, voice soft but very serious.

The tears started filling her eyes again and her throat closed up. She couldn't bear to look him in the eyes and frantically looked for any other spot to focus on, settling on a smudge on the wall behind him. She started to tremble.

Truly frightened, George gripped her upper arms, giving her a little shake. "Tell me!" he commanded, the fear evident in his voice, a hundred terrible thoughts flying through his mind.

Alanna took some deep breaths, trying to control herself. She bit her lower lip to keep from crying. Finally, she decided to just spit it out. "I had a miscarriage," she whispered.

George went rigid with shock, sadness filling his eyes. After a moment, he stepped closer to her and pulled her tight against him, tucking her head under his chin. She buried her face in his chest, clutching his tunic and began to sob. George simply stroked her hair and held her, still too shocked by her news to do more.

After a few minutes, she regained control and pushed back from him. "I'm sorry. I couldn't stop it. I woke up to excruciating pain and there was blood covering the sheets and it hurt so badly. I couldn't stop it!" He could hear the hysterics building in her voice again.

"Shh. Hush, lass. You and I both know there was nothing you could have done. The gods didn't wish the child to be born, that's all. We will have more, I promise. Please don't cry. It is breaking my heart to see you like this." He cupped her face in his hands, resting his forehead against hers and closing his eyes, listening to her breathing slow.

"But why didn't they want it to be born," she asked, voice barely a whisper. "Why? It is because I'm going to be a bad mother?"

George backed up to look her in her doubt-filled eyes, "You are not going to be a bad mother," he said firmly, emphasizing each word.

"How do you know?" she cried. "I'm not going to be home as much as I should be. I'm going to miss important events in their lives like their first steps or birthdays, I just know it! How can a knight be a good mother? I'm not going to be around and they will end up hating me!" She began to shake her head, fighting off the tears that threatened to spill over.

"They won't hate you. They will be proud of you. I am proud of you. Lass, you can't worry about things like this. We don't know what will happen yet and you need to focus on the good parts. Weren't you just saying a few weeks ago that you wanted a babe in your arms? What happened isn't a sign from the gods that you shouldn't be a mother. It is nature's way of removing a baby that may have been unhealthy or just wasn't meant to be. There will be others. We _will_ have a family. You will get your baby, I promise."

She wiped her face, tucking her head back under his chin as he wrapped strong arms around her. She sniffed. "I love you," she said into his chest. He just held her tighter in response, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. They remained like that for long moments, grieving for the child they had never gotten the chance to meet. Finally, George gave her another squeeze, "It will happen, lass. It wasn't our time yet. Let's go to dinner and then take a walk through the city, just the two of us. I'm sure Marek would be glad to see us at the Dancing Dove. I'm curious to see how he likes being the Rogue. I'm sure he is ruining all my hard work."

Alanna gave a watery chuckle as she released him, hopped off the table and took his hand, "Sounds good to me."


End file.
